I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
