headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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