I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
ttyl tear gas
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
