All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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