If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
