I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize