we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
