So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
