What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
