I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
