Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You are a genius and a whore.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
