I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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