I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
