so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
