my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
