Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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