saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
