I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
