I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
