he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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