My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
