Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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