Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
