she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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