Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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