I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
