last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
