Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
