giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
