sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My life is pants optional.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
