New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you never un-have a 4some
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
