I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
