Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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