Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
