you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
