He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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