So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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