So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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