why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
