I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
