I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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