Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
