I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
