Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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