ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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