Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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