Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize