my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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