TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
