Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
