Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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