so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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