I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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