A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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