i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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