He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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