Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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