and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
