i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
