Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
