Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize