You smell like a Billy Joel song
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
