How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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