i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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